Love's Divine

Even now its really hard to think about the fact that Wanda is gone. I still miss her, miss the times we could have had together. This photo was taken on one of our last get together's at The Coffee Bean, about a month before she went into the hospital. Wanda had a fantastic wardrobe and always put herself together even though she was taking a lot of pain medication at this point.

When we first learned the cancer had spread, the days were filled with going to the hospital and taking care of details. But as the days turned into weeks and the visits to Wanda's room and then apartment became routine, I experienced a strange dichotomy. On the one hand, it was painful to watch her deterioration that she was going through on a daily basis, and seeing her response to what was happening. It was unbearably sad. I was grieving every day even as she was still alive. On the other hand, being with Wanda as her life was ending was very life affirming. It gave an urgency to the meaning of life, to what it means to be alive. It gave me the opportunity to recognize the finiteness of our lives which is what gives it meaning, makes it bitter/sweet.

And yet there were some funny moments. When I was at the hospital, I would answer the phone "Wanda's Room." So one day when I called her and answered "Wanda's room." She would sometimes pick up the remote to call the nurses and try to answer the phone. One evening as we were sitting around in the heavy atmospher, a young Philipino aide came in to clean up her potty stool. As he left the room, Wanda scrunched up her face and in a conspiratorial voice, said "I hate Philipinos." One had to see the humor in that situation.

The first week after she was home from the hospital she had some really good days. She was more lucid and she was optimistic about getting better. She told me, "I had a near death experience, but now I'm going to beat the cancer." This is the same attitude that she had had throughout her ordeal. I didn't know if I should be alarmed or if I should tell her that she was dying. I had read a book to help me prepare for Wanda's death, called "Intimate Death" written by a french doctor who worked in palliative care facilities. Her point was that dying people were very lonely because no one will acknowledge to them that they are dying when they know they are. So I wanted to acknowledge to Wanda that she was dying. But on the advice of the City of Hope end of life counselor, I decided to follow Wanda's lead. So the first week went smoothly. Clint had already set everything up before she came home, including the hospice bed. Debbie had arranged for the home health aides. These aides were great. Certainly they knew what they were doing and how to make Wanda comfortable. They cooked and cleaned and made sure that Wanda got all of her medication at the right time.

But it didn't take long for things to go downhill. Wanda started getting suspicious. She quickly grew impatient with the aides. She accused one of the aides of trying to steal her boyfriend. After a week had gone by, she became even more aggitated. She tried to rip her IV out; she pushed one of the aides downt he stairs; she tried to jump out of the window. The hospice nurses increased her medication and eventually added haldol to keep her calm. My vocabulary continued to expand as I learned about terminal psychosis. Terminal psychosis is the end of life process when the body begins to shut down.

I learned a lot of other things during that time too. I learned about how to be with someone who is dying. I learned to let go of my petty resentments and more importantly, petty rivalry. I learned to be more careful with friends and loved ones. "Love is all I need to know my name." Being with Wanda during this time taught me the true meaning of love.