"Every Day Is Precious"

We were all shocked when Wanda was admitted to the hospital in March 2005 with fluid in her lungs caused by the spread of the cancer. She had had a second surgery in January to remove cancerous lymph nodes under her right arm. But she told us her doctor had said that the cancer was gone. Instead what had really happened was that the cancer had spread. Everywhere. She had cancer in her right breast, in her left chest cavity, on her spine. Most likely in her brain. Without anyone knowing, she had been consuming huge quantities of pain killers and was in complete denial of her situation. She was telling us that the cancer was gone even though her doctors were telling her that the cancer had spread.

When she was admitted to the City of Hope for the last time, Dr. Marianna Koscywas asked Clint to be at the hospital with Wanda when they gave her the awful news of the latest test results. Clint was working on a film and asked if I could be there in his place. I walked into the hospital room a few minutes after the meeting had started. Dr. K was sitting on Wanda’s bed and was holding Wanda’s hand. Wanda looked small, pale, frightened. There were a team of hospital staff – shrink, social worker, and others, standing around.

I know that if I had been Wanda I would have been totally frightened. Dr. Koscywas was just explaining the test results to Wanda and showed them to her. The tests indicated that the cancer had spread everywhere. Particularly concerning was the tumor on her spine. Dr. K explained to Wanda that she wanted to keep Wanda in the hospital so that they could radiate the tumor. This was palliative, no life saving. It would mean that she would stay mobile until the end of her life. When Dr. K was done speaking, Wanda said “You mean I’m going to die?”

Marianna herself was crying. She said to Wanda “Every day is precious” a lesson I have carried with me to this day. I sat on the bed and held Wanda’s hand. We have never really had a touchy-feely friendship but I could not imagine what it must feel like to be told that you have 2-6 months to live. I cannot imagine how frightened she must have felt. The various hospital staff members standing around Wanda tried to comfort her with platitudes. I just wanted to yell at them to get out, to leave us.

Fortunately or unfortunately – depending on where you stand – Wanda was fairly heavily medicated. After the hospital staff filed out of the room and we were alone, Wanda immediately called Steve, a trusted friend from her cancer support group. I felt glad that she had him to call, someone who would know at least somewhat how she was feeling, what to say. Then we talked for a while and then I left to go back to work. When I went back later in the evening, it was apparent that the phentanol was keeping Wanda from remembering anything that happened earlier in the day.

I went to the hospital every night for the next several weeks. Sometimes Jeff went with me. Sometimes I drove directly from work. I spoke with Wanda frequently over the phone and was frightened by her quick deterioration. Finally Clint asked Dr. Kocsywas to change her medication and that did make a big difference in Wanda’s behavior. Although she was hallucinating and hypersensitive. She imagined that the nurses where trying to kill her. She was also terribly ungracious. One evening she told me that her friend Patricia had called but that “I blew her off.” I had the feeling that she felt like if she was going to die, there was no point to reaching out and connecting to anyone. I felt like she was trying to blow me off too but I simply persisting in calling and visiting her. It made me sad that she was unable to create any love around her but Clint and I did the best we could to make her feel loved and cared for.

It was clear that she was angry. She would go in and out of remembering that she was dying. One night – when she was more lucid she was cognizant of the circumstance and we went through her phone book to make a list of people to call. She was very adamant about not calling her close friend Sabine. Something had happened and she was angry. In fact, there were very few people to call.